Middleagedbloke

Please note the strategic positioning of the handlebars for convenient bog roll hanging.

Hope this helps

I've just realised what it is that was missing from my Saturday.

Uskys Something for the weekend is leaving a huge hole in my Saturday afternoon!!

Where are you!!!!

Oooo I do hope nothing has occurred,

You know just as I was dozing off last night I had a really good idea for a blog, but now I've got time to sit and write for a while I'll be damned if I can think what the hell it was.

I can promise you it was earth shattering. Indeed it is probably just as well that it has escaped from my head as society would have been irreversably altered for the good of mankind, and wimmin to aswell. Possibly, probably and maybe. And anyway if I had published it and the world had changed would the couple of quid down the back of the sofa have changed aswell, would that cretin and his huge great non contributory pension have been bolloxed? I can only wish onwards.

As you can tell sod all to write about again.

Well done to Landers and the team for the wonderful Bloscars, and cheers to all the winners, those I know and those I hope to get to know over the coming weeks.

Sleep well blogland

Nigel

Some interesting suggestions and all have their relevant points, but no I am a non driver, never ever have held a drivers licence.

I can drive and have done in the past but only out of absolute necessity, living in bush in Africa; when mates to pissed to drive themselves etcetera.

This will not become a regular event as I was about to write about something else and then forgot!!

Nigel

By the way this weekend of long distance travel UK style has made me re/consider my status.

Bloody hell I can not believe it!

I believe I am in a minority and that my minority is being oppressed by the rest of the nation. I get nothing but ridicule, I am discriminated against by government, and as for getting a job, well my choices are severely hampered. Every which way I turn there are obstacles to my democratic right to freedom of movement, possibly the Blatcherite version.

What am I?

Answer tonight after work!

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever lose your keys

More importantly never leave them somewhere 100s of miles from where you live. I just did.

Call out fees and 2 locks quoted £228,40, Well bollocks to that!

Kicked in door, which went in rather too easily for my liking, phone up mate to pop around with supply of screws, no more nails and G clamps. New lock from B & Q, £12,20 odd.

Fitted lock after a fashion, pieced together shattered bits of door around lock, glue and screw and clamp. Wait for glue to set. Bollocks the mortice bit does'nt match the old hole. hack about with screw driver now it closes. Strengthen by glueing and screwing spare bits of laminate flooring on the door. Looks ugly but is now secure. Man from club will pop round on Saturday to fit new door, he is a joiner by trade and has all the tools I do not possess.

Luckily my door does not open on to the street. I share that gate with my neighbour who had a spare key for that one.

Spare keys now lodged with mate Doug and Jane as well

Bloody Hell, I really ought not have done a few of these things..............

On the other hand......

Just read the 'offence' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each 'offence' and added up your total fine. When you are done post this as: "My fine is £..."

Smoked pot -- £10

Did acid -- £5

Ever had sex at church -- £25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- £40

Had sex with someone on Facebook -- £25

Had sex for money -- £100

Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- £20

Vandalized something -- £20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- £10

Beat up someone -- £20

Been jumped -- £10

Cross dressed -- £10

Given money to stripper -- £25

Been in love with a stripper -- £20

Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- £0.10

Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- £15

Ever drive and drank -- £20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- £50

Used toys while having sex -- £30

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- £20

Went skinny dipping -- £5

Had sex in a pool -- £20

Kissed someone of the same sex -- £10

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- £20

Done oral -- £5

Enjoyed giving oral -- £5

Got oral -- £5

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- £25

Stole something -- £10

Had sex with someone in jail -- £25

Made a nasty home video -- £15

Had a threesome -- £50

Had sex in the wild -- £20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- £25

Stole something worth over more than a hundred pounds -- £20

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- £20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- £25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- £50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- £25

Went streaking -- £5

Went streaking in broad daylight -- £15

Been arrested -- £5

Spent time in jail -- £15

Peed in the pool -- £0.50
Played spin the bottle -- £5

Done something you regret -- £20

Had sex with your best friend -- £20

Had sex with someone you work with whilst at work -- £25

Had anal sex -- £80

Lied to your mate -- £5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- £25

Tally it up and title it: "My Fine Is..." copy and paste, then repost

This post has bugger all at all to do with anybody by the name of Janey or Mac or any combination of the 2.

Its taken me ages to get through all the posts and I've only been away for a weekend!

I've replied to a few and posted a couple as well but rest assured I have read almost everything back to Monday evening.

I will endeavour to read as many more as possible before I retire for the evening.

Nigel

Newly trousered in my gleaming levis, I make the station with half an hour to wait for my train to parents place near Basingstoke. Its a one and a half hour journey! then a short wait before train to the village station, one of the few to escape the 1963 axe. Now I have'nt arrived in the village by train for a long time and my parents have moved to some retirement apartments so was'nt totally sure of where I was going. Ha ha I took the wrong road mind you it did mean a more pleasant stroll along the River Test. Found the new place then but as it has controlled entry phone thingy had to call my sister to get the right flat number!There is'nt a 44 on the whole complex! Eventually found them safe and sound. In case you're wondering I did'nt have their number on my mobile having recently changed it and not re-entered the number, shit happens.
Nice chat and a cuppa then off to my sisters for tea. dads birthday was on the 24th and my number 2 nephews partners birthday is the 23rd so a nice birthday tea was enjoyed by all. Usual family shit after that. A pleasant day though.
Decided to stay at Sisters place over night and get early train to London, more chums to see. Ah mates have all got jobs of course and are not as anarchic as they once were. Still met with a few and headed to my old spiritual home of Hackney, or more exactly Upper Clapton and the Anchor and Hope.

Several pints of London Pride and time to head off back to Victoria and long trip back to Darlo.....

PS house in backround is my old London home, now being done up and probably up for extortianate rents!!

Yahoo escaped from the NE to the SE!!

Being on an economy drive decided that the coach would be my best option for travelling the length of England. DO NOT DO IT!! Leaving Darlo at 0045 and arriving in Victoria at just turned 6 and virtually no sleep was not the best preparation for a weekend away. However another couple of hours down to Pompey after a decent scoff in London and a 3 hour wait I arrive at my cheapo cheap Hotel. No receptionist, but not really expecting one, but a phone number. I call number and get some snotty Nigerian telling me she will be there when she can, possibly an hour!! I reply that I have to meet someone in 20 minutes and waiting an hour is not an option, not sure how much she heard coz she'd put the phone down on me. Luckily whilst I was trying to decide what to destroy before departing the actual owner arrived and found me a room. No time to inspect, only able to dump bags and head off to meet mate in a wonderful pub called the Sir Loin Of Beef, brilliant range of ales. Had a few wets and a good old chin wag with Steve before heading off to Port Solent to meet nephew number 3. He is a copper and had only an hour or so before going on duty and obviously could'nt have a drink nor meet for dinner. From there it was over to Gosport to see an art exhibition which was in all honestly not very good. Wine was very good though. By now the lack of sleep and excess of alcohol is telling so back to Southsea and hotel. Fell straight onto dampish musty smelling bed and slept for an a few hours. Nice view accross the common though from window. Woke and decided to find a restaurant for dinner, they was all packed!! Recession what f%^£ing recession. Thought sod the food and headed to another fine ale house, The Hole In the Wall. Several pints later and need to use the loo, bollocks I broke the zip on my jeans, no worries only sitting in a pub can keep myself covered and ask staff if they have a saftey pin. Fair play they hunted high and low but to no avail. Of course late Saturday night in anytown and no shops are going to be open. Closing time and off I modestly toddle to hotel. I slept well it has to be said. Booze helps.
Sunday morning I had planned to take the Hovercraft to the Isle of Wight and then the ferry back but lack of fly on jeans sort of put me off. Guessed that shops would be open by 10 in Gunwharf Quays. Was first customer in the Levi shop and got a new pair of 501s. Button Fly rules!! Wore them out of the shop and straight to the station.

More on next blog

By the way got a wonderful nights sleep last night, woke at half five feeling well refreshed. Just as well really as working straight through from 8 this morning until midnight, 2 jobs!!.

Have a wonderful day everyone. See ya all sometime tomorrow morning!!

So the National Trust is opening up 1000 new plots for use as allotments. Apparently there has been a massive up turn in people wanting to grow there own.

Just heard on the news train fares here are the highest in Europe! How much did that cost then? They should have just read my blog from last Saturday, or maybe they did!!

There was a power cut yesterday at the Lakeside Shopping Centre.

50 people were trapped on the escalators for two hours!

Eventuall dozed off at about half 6 this morning!! Got rudely awoken at 9:30 by ringing phone, the agency asking why they had no time sheet for last week! No work thats why! No one had told them. Then some good news I am eligible for holiday pay which they'll pay me this week!! £95 well useful. Of course I'm now awake again, stroll over to B & Q to buy a bird box and get distracted by some other bits and pieces. Did get the Bird box though. Then panic call from agency, can I work today and rest of week!! Boring job at railway Pensions but only 5 mins away on the bike, and they have agreed to let me have time off tomorrow for regular part time job at Navy Club. So busy week ahead, off to club now for 4,5 hour shift, then hopefully a decent nights kip.

Well here I am again. Eyes are worn out but sleep is still several universes away. My body is knackered but the ol grey matter seems intent on working overtime with all sorts of random thoughts going on in there. I have booked my accomadation for Pompey next weekend, checked out the pub Iºm meeting my mate at and looked at some nice restaurants for dinner with my nephews, read all the blogs of friends and others too, commented on a couple as well.
Iºve even applied for a job in Malaya!!
My eyes are so sore that I canºt even read. Back to my pit I think Even if the eyes get rested it will be a bonus!

Hope you lot have all had a decent nights rest....

Nigel

What a wonderful thing the Beeb has become. At some stage over the past few years living abroad Aunty has become more of a favourite cousin. The presenters seem to have become more, dare I say it professional, but have kept the human touch. Here I talk of R2. Just turned on Steve Wright in the Afternoon, the Who are being broadcast, Who Are You, I do not believe that particular track would have been played 20 years ago. Funny but when he was on R1 years back could'nt stand the bloke. Janice Long too who has a late night early morning show that seems to play fantastic music. I listen in frequently on my insomniac nights. R4 continues to entertain and inform, there is nothing to beat the Today Programme, ............ anywhere.
The glut of commercial stations do nothing for me! Continuous Hits of the 60s, 70s, 80s and today they proclaim. Most of it is complete bollocks.
Yes The BBC has got me into its tentacles and I am a happy victim.

And what to do on this fine Saturday? Perused my friends blogs, have an idea of what Uskies Something for the Weekend is but need to dig something out from mates shed to check!

Read on another how someone is moving and slowly getting the things she needs for her new flat, and how wonderful her daughter is. The daughter has something I would call brilliant spacial awareness. She can see what will fit where and know she is right. I had a man working for me in Uganda who had exactly the same gift. He would turn up at our warehouse with a truck and all our expensive equipment would fit in with barely millimeters to spare. It was particularly important for the kit to be tightly packed as sensitive electronics and potholed Ugandan/east African roads do not good bedfellows make. A wonderful skill, I'm good but Kato was brilliant.

I thought a day trip to Edinburgh would be in order today. I have a friend at uni there and I have'nt visited the city for almost 30 years so seemed like a good option until I found out the train fare would be £62! Even the coach would be £42+!! No longer going. It seems we are discouraged from making last minute travel plans here in the UK if we wish to use public transport. I can travel from Malaga to Madrid (and back) on the AVE for less than 150 Euros a round trip of some 800kms or more. Bring back subsidised public transport for sez I.

Ah well no journey now so off to the launderette and then to solve that pesky Usksiders conundrum.

Enjoy the weekend

Nigel

Whoops once again seem to have cocked up the upload!

Feel embarrassed at posting these especially in the company of such wonderful picture meisters as Seasideman and Usksider.

These feeble efforts were taken ten minutes after a white out blizzard had almost caused my colleague and I to abandon our journey to Preston. However the snow ploughs were out and the road was clear right accross what I suspect to be one of the highest trunkroads in the country.

Well done to both the crews of the gritting trucks and the authorities for having the wit to have them in position and waiting for the snow.

Well I did it!

Yes folks I called Jane at just turned 7 and we chatted about nothing much at all for over an hour. I'd forgotten how easy it is to talk to her. She is'nt in a relationship with the bloke in question, but shares a house with him! She too is back in the UK because of the economic downturn in Spain and ended up here like me by default!

Anyway the upshot is we're meeting for a drink on Wednesday evening.

More on this as it happens.

This picture accompanies the story of another person shot in London.
Am I the only one to see the irony in the wall decoration!

Nigel

Another Sunday night/Monday morning. And nothing to say. Janice Long on the radio for company, and I've read all friends blogs, commented on a few, added one to friends list which was well entertaining, bearcave or something. Will have to wait for reply to check the proper name. Should add MissyMouse too, so will do that after writing this.

New barmaid started at work today. Mmmmmm should probably wait before passing comment on her but the space between bar and backbar is not great, and she is not as small as the rest of us who work there. Not only that but I now know virtually all her medical history, there can not possibly be anymore! Don't get me wrong she is a nice enough person and a good barmaid.

Actually just getting over the massive leccy bill, but now sitting in bloody cold flat, and planning my attack on savings. First thing tomorrow pop over road to B & Q and buy a couple of auto timers one for the water heater and the other for bedroom heater. Don't know yet what to do about the main room, it takes an age to heat up to any level of comfort.

There are several flats to let in the area and I may go visiting later in the week but the problem with that is changing the forms for my housing assistance, working tax credits, and poll tax thingy. I only work part time on minimum wage so qualify on grounds that I am over 50!! It took forever to sort out and the thought of doing it all again fills me with dread.

Ooooooo Monday so will make the call in the evening and blog the result here. (ref; last fridays blog)

Sleep well everyone

Nigel

We always hear the rules from the female side ............... Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules

Please note ............. they are all numbered 1 on purpose

1. Men are not MIND READERS

1. learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving the seat down!

1. Sport on TV. It happens, like full moons and the tides. Accept it.

1.Crying is blackmail.

1.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one.Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.

1.Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.

1. Come to us with a problem if you want it solving. Its what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an arguement. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat you probably are. Please don't ask us.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it then do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say what you want to say during the commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did'nt need directions, neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour, as is pumpkin. We have no idea what colour mauve might be.

1. If it itches we scratch it. We do that....

1.If you ask what is wrong and you answer nothing, we will act as if nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it just is'nt worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere absolutely any thing you wear is fine, ........ honestly.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you want to hear about my football team etc.

1. You do have enough clothes.

1. You do have plenty of shoes.

1. I am in shape, round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes I knowI have to sleep on the couch tonight, but its like camping and you know us men quite enjoy that.

Pass this on to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this on to as many women as you can and give them a bigger laugh!!!!

Well as many of you noticed it was my birthday today, or rather it was 52 years ago. I actually spent a quiet day at home catching up on some outstanding bits and pieces and passing comment on blogs and other mails that came my way.

This evening though was work as normal, but we have a new barmaid starting so Nigel gets the 30th birthday party upstairs in the function room. Not really fair on new girl to throw her in on the party scene.

The party was for a local lass who has now moved to London but is back in town for the weekend celebrations and consequently has brought some of her London chums up here with her. It was so easy to spot the non northeners. The first was a classic home counties type who was shocked to discover that northern working mans club did not serve coffee, ever! Let alone at 8 in the evening. I got the feeling that this was the first time she'd ventured further north than Watford in her entire 30 something years on the planet. The rest of course were given away by accent and demeanour alone.

Shock of the night though was the appearance of Jane. Jane now lives in my adopted town and her relationship to the birthday girl is not quite clear, but there she was at the bar opposite me ordering a vodka and coke. The recognition was instantaneous on both parties. Jane and I had a thing going in Spain about 4 years ago but parted as people do at the end of the season with nary a thought about one another, she off to do her thing and me to do mine. Our relationship was very intense and for a while serious, we actually moved in together until our contracts at work finished. Obviously we made small talk as best one can whilst trying to serve the other party goers and she introduced me to her current partner. Name forgotten. So fine she has a new partner and we have both moved on in life. But and here is my dilemna, she secretly, and I do mean secretly, passed me her phone number as she was leaving at the end of the night. No word spoken, just a slight of hand and her number in mine.

Oh shit now what do I do? And yes I would'nt mind getting to know her again.

Nigel

Its happened again. The lace on my new left new shoe has just broken. Every bloody time its the left shoe lace that breaks. Why?

Feels like I did'nt get up to much today but was up and out early for the first part time job, escorting the young fellow to school in the taxi, then at 11 at work in the club for the luchtime session until 2 where it was so quiet I read the paper, finished the crosswords and Sudoku, polished the brass, washed the shelves and even served a few pints of beer, only 4 pints of Lager the rest was proper beer. Probably more indicative of the age of the clubs clientelle than anything.Got home and tuned into the test match on R5 live, and got my new, second hand, futon sofa bed delivered at half 3. Popped into shop below and picked up my mail, and over to Morrisons for bread and milk. Got in and opened my mail and then wished I had'nt, bloody electric bill for £437,98! It is the first one I've had since moving into the flat in October. I nearly fell through the floor into shop below. It will be a struggle to find the money but with some juggling should do it by next Wednesday when it will disappear from my bank account. Thank goodness I have just changed my supplier to UWDC.Then got e-mail notification from job agency with wage slip, some how head office has missed 15 of the 17 hours I did last week which may not be so tragic but for the electric bill due next week. More juggling and I can make it with about £12 to spare. I get paid cash from the bar job so can use that to live off and pay rent. Phew..Off in a few minutes to sign up new customer. Then home and early to bed.Nigel

Similar views, Monday Morning

More later, possibly

Any one down south has it worse than we do here oop north

Have a wonderful day my darlings .........

I've got a camera and I'm gonna play.

View from my grotty flat at half ten Sunday night.

Will take some more first thing in the morning!!

Forgot to mention yesrday.

On my way to the seaside I was lucky enough to witness the brand new Pacific Class Steam train pass through Darlington on its way north.

It was a magnificent sight, this beast from an earlier age, steaming at a not inconcideranle rate of knots past Darlington Station. I was there by chance having through various snags and holdups, including personal inertia, arrived at the station over an hour later than my original planned time of departure. Providence who knows?

There was a small, but significant crowd of people gathered at the end of the platform, and after asking drifted that way myself. There were people of all ages there, 6 to 96 by the look of it, some of the older generation would have certainly been involved in the building of these locomotives here in Darlington, where indeed this train was built by volunteers.

I have to tell you it was a strange emotion, one that brought back memories of my childhood in the westcountry, and travelling up to London by steam train, the smell of the coal being burnt, all to fleeting, the look of amazement of the youngsters, nostalgia of the elder generation and of awe and wonderment by all.

In all the excitement I forgot that I had my new camera in my pocket! Sorry train fans, next time maybe....

Nigel