Middleagedbloke

Well I did it, drove from Benalmadena to Almuñecar! Phew.

Put off my departure until after half one as it had rained overnight and I wanted nice sunny conditions for the trip, I am a nervous driver. Luckily once I had rounded Malaga the autovia was almost empty and it was a pleasant enough drive from there on in. I pulled into the town car park at a quarter to three and was in my chums place by 5 to. Meeting my bro later on and we'll drive in convoy to the village, he will be doing up the car over the next few months as it does have one or two problems.
Seems to me that it does'nt like going up hills, and there are some big ones on the way here, it needs 2 new rear view mirrors and the suspension seems a bit bouncy to say the least! It is a Citreon so the clever gizmos they have for raising and lowering the car could be at fault, I dunno as my bro is the family mechanic.
Here for a while until I pick up some more work or wait it out until next spring, who can tell....
Hope you are all safe and dry!
Nigel

Top picture is of yours truly, preparing a barbeque at sea on Sunday and the lower one is of my crew girl, Nicky, filing her nails at the office!!

Just a few random pix from the last few days, the one from the night time is of a nutter who was part of a group of "golfers" on their last night out!!

with waitng for photos to upload here.

Got a tadge sunburnt today and some great video footage of dolphins feeding but it has been over half an hour now and still has not loaded. Need to take my laptop to work tomorrow and try using that in Marina internet cafe.

Mini heat wave here at the moment, deck temperature was 38* C this afternoon and it is currently 23* on the street.

Stay warm and dry,

Nigel

It rained yesterday.
About 20 minutes or so
Just thought I should inform you all.
Back to 27 odd degrees now so all is normal again.
Mind you the westerly wind is a bit chilly.
Have a good one.
Nigel

Went to a good friends wedding reception on Wednesday and what a wonderful time was had.

Oz used to work with us a couple of years back and he met Violetta on the boat during ther course of the summer, just another one of Ozzies conquests we all thought. But no he gave up a good life here in Spain and moved to London with Violetta at the end of the season. " years later they are married!

Oz is Spanish, Argentinian and Australian all rolled into one, his family moved to Argentina in the early 60s much like many brits moved to Australia, but when things went a bit tits up there they moved onto Australia and then back to Spain a few years back. Violetta is Polish and one of the success stories of the "Polish invasion", she has her own business and house in North west London. Her family flew in en masse from Poland and have been having the time of thier lives out here. What a bunch, I am exhausted from their company and boy do they like a beer or 2 with vodka chasers............ They seem to forget some of us have to work the following morning! Any way Ì am taking them to an Indian restaurant tonight so that should be fun. We have done the Tapas bars and now it is my turn. Lord have mercy on my Liver

Thats it for now. Still loving it and there is a decent chance of me wintering in Greneda rather than Granada. More on that when I know more.

All get larger I hope on clicking!

Just a few recent photos as my boat is out of commision for a day or so. Skipper yesterday managed to fry one of my gearboxes! AS usual click for larger image

Hi there blogmates.
Just a swift few words to let you know I is still in the land of the living and loving it out here again. Willl post photos later today and show a few dolphins the sea and me and crew mates enjoying life really.. have photos on disc but disc at studio and I am here, Shit happens. Day off today and wasted most of it pounding the hot footpaths of Torremolinos and Malaga looking for a dongle fo my laptop. Every where has sold out, even Carrefour. Proxima semana, possible. that is the constant refrain yet I know with Spain being shut for August next week will not happen, such is life and now I have found a comfortable cafe to use will be on line a bit more frequently.

I love you all and miss the daily banter.

Nigel, a sun tanned adonis

(OK so thats pushing it a bit!!!!)

Hi folks back again

The photos here were taken last Sunday at the Virgin del Carmen celebration in Malaga last Sunday.
This is one of the local fishing boatsn celebrating the day. Elf an safety me arse.

Now why did I want to come home to Spain ?

Just arrived in from the airport and 2 of my co-workers greet me.

Would have had more photos from todays first trips but forgot to bring cable up from boat to transfer images from camera.
It is bloody hot and sunny. Found Dolphins on my first trip out of the day but screwed up my first attempt at mooring her up. We all do it as each boat has different characteristics and take a little time to get used to.

Tomorrow I am training on the catamaran, which I sailed accross the atlantic 3 years back but need to get re-aquainted with.

Arrived here lunchtime yesterday and had a big re-union dinner with some old hands and a few new faces, a lot of people have left the marina that I knew but life is a cycle and I am sure to make a lot of new chums here.

One happy bunny signing off for the moment.

More tomorrow.....

Top pic from 'plane as we came into land down the Guadalhorce Valley. The railway here passes through several tunnels and there is a gorge with a narrow walkway along it. Very wonderful place to be, and where some of the scenes from Von Ryans Express were filmed in the 60s.

Bottom photo one of my 2  new offices arriving back in Port.

Click for bigger images

Newcastle airport 0430

Just thought you should all know. Just Googled Malaga weather,

Sun and Mon a mere 32 degrees
Tues 34
Weds 35

Boy am I going to be glad of any sea breeze. Yipee back to bronze.

Continuing on. I reckon the only people who benefit from these early morning departures from our airports are the bloody taxi drivers. There is no public transport serving any UK airport after about midnight. I will gladly stand corrected on this point.

With so many flights leaving at silly o'clock in the morning and arriving too then surely there should be the option of arriving by a variety of means. Where is the freedom of consumer choice. Whether you decide to bring your car or arrive by taxi you are adding a considerable amount to your holiday for either parking fees or the excess charged by cabbies for the unsocial hours and premium they have to pay to operate from an airport.

I however am not complaining as those fine folk at National Express East Coast, you know the ones who have decided that they do not like making a loss and therefore don't like this line anymore, let me travel from Darlo to Newcastle for nothing! Then Tyne and Wear Metro did the same.

See Public transport is cheaper than any other method.

As my (southern) mate in Darlo said though even free is too much to pay to get to Newcastle! 

Well what a day its been. Up with the bloody larks, well the alarm went off at 0830.

Thinking about it I probably was up with the larks as I had a book to finish before returning it to the library this morning. So yes up with the larks. As such a thing would dare to reside in a shit hole like Darlington.

As I said the alarm did its thing at half 8 and I did my thing with the snooze button until 9, when I scambled out of the pit , got through the ablutions process unscathed and was on the bright, for once, mean streets of Darlo by half past To library and return now read books and 4 CDs. Bugger the CDs were due back yesterday, ah well £1,20 fine. Through town to collect my advanced Spanish CD which was ordered a few weeks back and long before I knew about the job. I could probably have got it cheaper on line but have this belief in trying to support local businesses when and where I can. Possibily this is due to my having had my own small business in the past, I don't know. It just feels right.

Back to Grotty Flat by 10 thirty and start cleaning and collecting rubbish, where does it all come from? Luckily My mate Doug and I cleared most of the big stuff yesterday so there was only the bed and some small stuff left. I have donated the bed, sofa and Futon sofabed to Doug and his mississ. The rest is in his shed. Even the little we had took 3 trips. 1 trip for each part of the bed. Hovered up and handed in the keys and all of a sudden 3 hours had disappeared.

Popped into Mrrisons to collect a few last minute bits and pieces, mainly tooth glue as that is really pricey in Spain. then spent a boring night in front of the telly. It was a timely reminder NEVER GET A TV. Booked taxi for 10 for the 5 minute ride to the station having decided to get an earlier train than originally planned. This was for two reasons really. the first being that I did'nt want to risk missing a Metro connection to the Airport and secondly I wanted to miss pub chucking out time on the local network too. There is nothing worse than anyone drunk assailing you in a language or dialect you have difficulty interpreting when they are sober let alone pissed.

The Geordie accent is one of the most difficult for me to understand and I have just had half a year trying!

I was actually writing this in Starbucks at the airport on my open office thingy when the barista informed me that there was free wi-fi if I was looking for it. Tell me more sez I. There is a place at the back of the BA lounge where you can pick up their free system rather than pay for the stupid rates that the airport want to charge. So here I am at 1a.m. blogging. Just been visited by the old bill as I am just on the cusp of 2 cameras and can not quite be seen. When he saw I was an ordinary MAB he wished me a pleasant night and ambled off.

More on the nights events later maybe otherwise next post will be from Malaga/Benalmadena.

As suggested by La_Spice on Blogship Lollipop.

My noon shots. Clearing out the flat prior to moving on tomorrow.

Click for big if you must

Just a swift note of thanks to all of you for your help here and on Ask or Answer today.

You are all truly wonderful people.

I have just spoken to a very understanding lady by the name of Sarah at Barclays complaints department who has duly noted my complaint and explained to me theat the process of loaning and granting overdrafts is heavily regulated and there is nothing anyone can do to change the decision once made by a computer. (she did'nt actually say that but it is what she inferred).
Contact with Directors of the company is not possible.
Once I am working and the bank sees money rolling into my account from my salary then they will be more than happy to give me an overdraft or lan or credit card. I will not need any of these things then. I am stupid enough to believe that one should live within ones means and not get heavily indebted to anyone.
I'm fucked for the next month.

Just made a comment on La_Spices blog about the Wedding.

Got me to wondering as to whether one can still buy sneezing powder, and if not do kids still know how to make it for them selves?

 I wonder when these fine examples of British workers will realise where they parked their van before installing the posts today?

Click for bigger laugh!!!

<img src="http://bestsmileys.com/angry1/5.gif">

Well thats how I feel right now. Went to the bank earlier on today to request a small overdraught to tide me over my first months work. I took with me my job offer with my pay clearly shown and that it would be paid into my account on the 1st of each month. They turned me down as there has not been enough "activity" on my account, basically I have never gone into the red, or needed to borrow before. I explained that I had been only working part time and had therefore thought it prudent, to quote one G. Brown esq., to live within my means. I further explained that the job was offered at short notice and I had been unable to make provision for the lean month ahead. I will arrive in Malaga on Sunday night with abut £50 in my pocket.

I had asked for £200, which although not a lot would have been enough for me.

No wonder I want to get out. I have to leave money in the account here to cover all the various bits and pieces one has to pay, water board, internet etc. Oh well they'll go unpaid then. and I will worry about that another year.

if ever any of you wondered about travelling the world and what its all about, have a look at my friend Frans web blog thingy. She has been on the road with her daughter since June last year.

www.nomadicmother.com

Great Tatoo?Bikini

Got a phone call at half 2 this afternoon offering me a job in Spain as skipper on a charter boat. At last freedom from the blasted WMC!  Back to my first love sailing. Not only that it is quite well paid as well. A damn site better than minimum wage part time in Darlington.
Ah well of course it means I'll miss the Hull piss up. Anyone need a hotel room? and train ticket from Darlo to Hull?
I am so happy!!!!!  

Yes this is high summer as viewed from my prison cell of an apartment.

click for bigger image
No wonder I hate this place!

Or so it would seem. I left the flat 10 minutes ago as I had no milk. That was my first foray into the outdoor world all day! I have done nothing all day, what a complete waste.
I have read a little, dozed a lot, drunk coffee and eaten. Made one or two inconsequential phone calls to friends and family and paid a couple of bills on line.
Thats it for a whole day. Now of course I have to steel myself for 4 hours at the WMC I work in. I feel knackered.

.... but at least the sun shone on Darlo today. The first time since the current "heatwave" began. In fact the weather has totally reinforced my opinion of this horrid little town, boring. Newcastle , a mere half an hour north of here had torrents of rain and flooods yesterday, Darlo grey uncompromising skies all day.

The towns market place looked good at lunchtime today though.

(click for larger image)

Went to see my lovely solicitor today who told me in the nicest possible way that it was pointless trying to claim against the council for last years alleged shortfall. We crunched a few numbers and yes it seems that from Jan to March I was earning £7 a week over the threshold!

All is not lost as I had to go to the council offices to report my reduced hours and was there told by a very helpful official that it looks like I will now fall into the reduced council tax zone and that she will be sending that department a memo with my new working hours and income. Light at the end of the tunnel? I live in hope.

Pop into the library and get this weeks reading, nothing all that earth shattering, Gerald Seymour, Jasper Fforde, Bateman and this weeks new author for me, Mark Wernham. 4 CDs aswell compilations this week.

I think a sound card has packed up on the laptop as music will not play properly through the speakers or the cans. Bloody annoying as I use it for the radio and Skype and video conferencing. More bleding expense I suspect.

Work tonight was the usual boring shite but I won the quiz again by 3 clear points, which does'nt say much for me or the opposition when I look at my performance on the Ask or Answer Daily quiz..

Have a good one all. 

As I have mentioned on here before I think, I allegedly owe the local council £149 odd from last years tax account. This strangely has risen to £215 plus. We are in dispute yet they have issued an attachment of earnings to my employer to recover the money they claim I owe them. Fair enough give them enough rope........

Today I check my bank account to make sure I have enough in there to buy some little amount of sustenance to find I am around £70 better off than I thought I was. Whey hey!

But no: further investigation shows that the wonderkids at Darlo council have not made the poll tax withdrawal I have authorised them to do. In some panic I call the department. I speak to a lovely person who ultimately is unable to assist me but is sympathetic to my cause. I signed a Direct debit authorisation for the council to extract £68 of my hard earned from the 1st of June 2009 in a vain attempt to avoid the sort of dispute I am in with them over the alleged shortfall for 2008/9. 

Stupidly I did not check my bank accounts for June as I had other money coming in and was not to worried about the direct debits due. I had enough to cover them and the dough to pay for my First Aid couse aswell.

So in effect what has happened is that Darlo BC have not taken the £136 for the past 2 months as expected by, and authorised by, me. The person I was speaking with could find no reason why the money had not been comes into playApparently not. The convenient computers downs syndrome comes into play. However I can restart the payments from 1st August. OK go ahead do it. Righty ho, so from the first of August we will take £88 odd per month from your account.

HOLD ON A BLINKING MINUTE!!!!

I explain that I have had to bite the proverbial bullet to find the £68 and that £88 per month is a physical impossibility, what if I pay the £68 pounds I have spare in my account now now and allieviate the pressure. 

Yes this is possible but alas the system is down and we cannot take payments over the phone or on line, and in any case this will bring my monthly payment down to £77 per month. More than I can afford I tell the lowly clerk. Her advice.

Go and see the CAB and inform them of the councils ineptitude and get a financial statement drawn up. 

This is a cock up by the council, not by me (for once) and still I am being hammered. 

I have a meeting with a solicitor tomorrow afternoon about the attachment order for last years alleged deficit, I shall throw this into the mix and look forward to my day in the courts.

I feel better now having written all this out hwever incoherent it may seem to you the poor reader..

Hopefully normal service will resume soon.    

Amble North East UK bloody cold day 26/06/2009

Greetings all.

Firstly I'd like to say to any one reading this as a first installment, scroll back a bit and read the first bit first.

Ah yes the arrival.

Bursting through the doors at 09:25, a full 25 minutes late to spy a room of 5 other peeps. One is going to be the course instructor, the other 4 my fellow students for a day. A glance around the room tells me I am the only non local. Who else arrives in a classroom in June wearing shorts, shirt and a pair of Birkenstocks? The rest of the rooms inhabitants are covered in fleeces, trousers and sensible shoes. You know the sort of thing that BDA would never be seen dead in!

2 men and 3 women. I announce my apologies for my tardiness and lateness but realise that my 4,5 min diatribe about local government and the state of the bus service has been heard by all. Shit happens when the answer phone and office are adjacent to the classroom. I say classroom. A   tadge misleading on my part I feel as the the premises are in fact a Portacabin of obvious age and disress and is split into 2 by a thin partition wall.  I digress. The first words uttered to me are, how do you take your coffee? Love it. My dripping self has been accepted and  intros are made.

Opposite me is Alison, a PE teacher from the local school. Late 40s early 50s maybe but with that look that only PE teachers can achieve. An alert level of underlying fitness, hopefully the teachers in the readership will be able to understand this. at theright hand top of the group of tables are sat Zoe and Jenny, young 20 somethings I would estimate who both work on Croquet Island, more of which later. One is definately the more dominant than the other. Even by looking I can tell. And finally Ken, a man of indeterminate age, though surely of more advanced age than me. Silver haired and worldly wise, he is a canoe instructor as far as I can gather. Reserved comes to mind.

The course itself is being taught by Geoff, a local coastguard and youth leader again assumed by me but sort of guessed at by his attire. Confirmed also by our intro to each other.

The course it self.

Nothing earth shattering really but did learn that our CPR schedule had been changed, but doubted that the casualty was really going to be that bothered whetwer or not I Gave the Kiss of life first or started on the chest compessins first. Of course it is no longer he Kiss Of Life but is now known as something else, I did'nt write the new name down in my notes. I just checked.

We did have some god interactions as a group with me trying to hard at times to play both the fool and devils advocate, nothing earth shattering you understand but a good dynamic. Now theres an expression I never ever thought I'd use.

Lunch was taken and I along with Jenny and Zoe left the centre, they went on e way and I the other, but did find out that the island they work on has 30,000 pairs of birds on it, thats one hell of a lot of guano thought I.

Apparently Croquet Island is also home to Britains rarest sea bird the Rosetta Tern, now you know too.

The course continued apace andf we all tried out our CPR technique with Little Annie and watched a few videoes. Before we knew it the course was over. I learnt a lot here and I am not going to trivialise it at all. It seemed easy , but that was due to Geoffs attitude and his control of the classroom. He is a damn fine teacher and a gold star to him. But also a gold star to my fellow participants for butting in where it was necessary and sharing our relevant experiences. I loved my day in Amble, Croquet Shorebase Trust.

Seems I am limited here new post now now now!

This was full last night. I blame you lot for being such an interesting bunch and forcing me to reply to your posts and comments.

Of course I'll be late for Uskies photo challenge, will miss mystical sunrises but will at least know my head will only feel better as the day progresses. How is your head this morning.

Love ya all.

Click photo for large gin

Ok so I'm a tadge worse for wear and in need of my pit.

HOWever, just replied to one of my posts elsewhere, OK it was on writingforfun.blog.uk and in signing off said I was heading for slumberland which as soon as I'd hit the keys triggered off one of the few remaining living bits of my noggin. SLUMBERLAND What the fuck was/is slumberland. Yeah I know it was/is a bedding emporium, another great word if you ask me, but nwas it natinwide or just local to London and the SE?

Bollix I'm off to me pit, now theres another question........................

Hic hic hic.

I would just like to point out that about 70 innocent and generally poor people have died thanks to landmines in the 24 hours since this rich and priveledged person died.
Try to remember these people too. They all had families.

Well here I am back home again. I'm worn out.
Thats Alnmouth in the distance. (click for larger image)

The day started out with bright blue skies and a warm sun so shorts, shirt and Birkies on me tootsies and off to the station for me train. Arrive in plenty of time so pick up the paper and a coffee.

Train on time and plenty of seats but I am surprised at how many people there are on board and even more shocked at the number who get on in Durham. Most appear to be either lawyers, big cases and expensive suits, some even in Bow ties for fuck sake, or uni lecturers, tweed jackets and chino type trousers. One or two even seem to be ordinary peeps. Most get off in Newcastle.

Having never ridden the train beyond Newcastle I put down the paper to watch the world rush past at 100 mph or so. I have got to say it is lovely loads of sheep which surprised me for some reason. Dunno why. Eventually the sea, my part time lover comes into view. How I love her and her majesty, a glimpse is all I need to set my heart racing, and a glimpse is all I get as the train slows for Alnmouth, my stop.

Seems to have clouded over somewhat since my departure an hour ago and 70 miles south of here. No worries, the walk will keep me warm. Ah walking 5 miles to Amble, in Birkenstoks, I don't think so. Find nice bus stop with this view

where I settle down to finish reading the paper.

Bloody hell the country is a noisy place! Birds twittering (old style that is)  left right and centre some bugger out shooting at things, hoping it was'nt me in the sights. I did see some big black birds, some swallows which may have been swifts or house martins which were moving far to bleeding quickly for me to photograph, a lark and heaps of sparrows. There were probably more but being a city bloke I did'nt notice them.

Anyway then it started to rain! For crying out bleedin loud, I am not dressed for bloody rain, it is June the 26th! Summer and the rain is supposed to be in Somerset not Northumberland! Obviously there is no shelter to be had andnone of the passing traffic takes pity on the fool getting pissed upon. I get wet. Decide I'd better call the centre where the course is being held to tell them I'll be late and leave a MAB message on the machine. Why can I not just say "Hello Nigel here, I'll be getting to Amble at about 9:15"
Oh no not me, I have to try and be a bit more interesting and end up leaving a longish message. Actually a 4 and a half minute one. I was bored and wet and pissed off and wanted to arrive in a happy mood. Bus arrived eventually.

Now this was a nice bus ride, nice enough for me to decide there and then that this bit of coast line is worth returning to on a fine and sunny day with my bicycle, passing through Warkworth and below its Castle before diverting off the 'main road' into Amble itself. I have had excellent directions sent to me and find the centre with no problems, bursting through the doors with a certain amount of style and gusto. Well as much as on can when a tadge on the damp side. But with a huge grin on me fisog.

Right enough for now, this is the longest post I've ever made here and I'm getting bored and so are you.

And my Gin and Tonic glass is empty

Morning campers!

Yip its me up early bright eyed and bushy tailed, what a silly expression. I'm bollixed.

Insomnia kept me awake until gone 3 but still managed to make it up before the damn alarm, its First Aid day today in Amble, Northumberland, an hour north of here by train. I have to get a train at 7 to the nearest station where I then have to wait for a bus which will get me to Amble at 9:15, no good as my course kicks off at 9. Bollocks I'll walk, its a nice day and only about 5 miles from the station and an area I do not know. Must remember to pick up camera on way out of the house. Half an hour until the cab is due, must make breakfast.

See ya all tomorrow.

Yes folks life will continue now that the alleged peadophile MJ has died.

I for one have a taxi booked for 0645 and already can predict the cabbies topic of conversation, and my course in the wilds of Northumbria tomorrow bound to be punctuated by references to the untimely demise of the "Prince of Pop".

Lord help anyone tuning into BBC, local, and independent radio tomorrow (today) wall to wall MJ. Convenientally forgotten his past activities with children and chimpanzees.

Can only hope that R3 and R4 will not be over excited by the news.

HOW
SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This
is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess
there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

HOW
SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You
have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe
this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will
boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see
if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed
in your brain!

1.
Without anyone watching you (they will think you are
GOOFY......) and
while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right
foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2.
Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and
I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are
going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

I went to a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests, enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen. [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are reporting that a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

Just had a real good belly laugh listening to "I'm Sorry I Have'nt A Clue" on R4

This has brightened my day no end.

Jaysus, am I pissed off.

Just got off the phone with British Gas to whom I owe £158 odd. They want me to make a regular payment by direct debit to clear the debt. I am in no position to make that commitment, nor will I agree to something that wil potentially drag me into debt with my bank. I have offered in no uncertain terms to weigh them out on an as and when basis. When I have the spare cash I will pay them some money, which has recently been around £30 per month.
It seems there is no mechanism in place within this organisation to accept ad hoc payments as a solution. They want something garunteed on a specific day.  I wil not offer what I have not got! I expect another letter from the "Central Recoveries, Pre Court Division" within the next few days. I just hope the call was recorded as I made them 2 offers.
1. To continue as I am now doing to clear my acknowledged debt. Not acceptable to them
2. To make an arrangement to pay £1 per week by direct debit. Also not acceptable to them.

The idiot on the other end of the phone was inflexible and probably constrained by his on screen instructions. What ever happened to people being able to make decisions for themselves, or passing a problem along to a more senior colleague with decision making powers.

Ggggggrrrrrrrrr

Somehow I posted this on Antiweightwatchers yesterday by mistake.

Here it is where it was meant to be!!!

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER You may not know this but many nonliving things have agender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everythingin, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; ittakes a while to warm them up again. It's an effectivereproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tyre is Male, because it goes bald and it's oftenover-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and ofcourse, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's alway s gettinghit on.

A Tube Train is Male, because it uses the same oldlines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, theweight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed muchover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to havearound.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'dbe male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives aman pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while hedoesn't always know the right buttons to push, hekeeps trying

Nick Cash guitar and Vox, and Pablo LaBritain drummer, original 999ers

Shoot on sight sound engineer

Photos not available as I have reached limit of amatuer media uploads

Pic one. the newcomer, Art only 20 years in the band, bassist also seen in other punk combos

Pic two baldy guitar player.  Original 999er Guy Days

2 others but apparently to big to blog here.

Gig was none to bad with local aging punx Thatchers Bush in support.

Sound Engineer wanted shooting.

Ouch, Ooooooo ooooo aaayyyyaaaaahhhhh.

Kin ell it took me ages to get dressed after the torture chamber session as I could barely lift arms above head. Ooooooo yaaaaa.

Even typing is sore,................. work will be tortuous this evening......

Ah well here goes. Shit or bust as they say.

The guest list.

Sinky, Roger N, Anthony C and Tony Mac.

No one famous, but these 4 guys can all hold a great conversation, have wonderful anectdotes and most importantly can tell them well. I have met famous people frequently and they just want to be the centre of attraction all the time.

The setting.

The patio of a nice villa in Andalusia, early evening.

The table, set out buffet style against the wall and in the shade.

Comfortable sofas and arm chairs.

A large, 3m x 3m Persian carpet as centre piece

The food and drink bit.

On Arrival, Shots of Pussers 18 yo Rum

Starters, Roll Mops, Cockles, Mussels, Crab Sticks and assorted sea foods from the local market.
                Washed down with bottles of Summer Lightening Beer.

Main Course, Cornish Pasties from the shop half way between Saltash and Liskeard.
                         Accompanied by Fullers London Pride

Desert, Where the fun begins. A selection of Fresh Fruits infused with Stoli Vodka, and Cornish Clotted Cream
              Charles Wells Banana Bread Beer.

Also present. Giant Jenga, Twister and several packs of cards.

Apres scoffing, a selection of beers and spirits.

General drunkeness and chat will ensue.

Nicked from several sources

Kissed any one of your blog friends? --- No

Been arrested? --- Yes

Kissed someone you didn't like? --- Yes

Slept in until 5 PM? --- Yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? --- Yes

Held a snake? --- Not a bleeding chance

Ran a red light? --- No

Been suspended from school? --- Yes

Experienced love at first sight? --- Yes

Totaled your car in an accident? --- No

Been fired from a job? --- Yes

Fired somebody? --- Yes

Sang karaoke? --- Yes

Pointed a gun at someone? --- Yes, and no I have never been in the armed services 

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- Yes, see above

Laughed until something you were drinking or eating came out your nose? --- Yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- Yes

Had a close brush with death --- Yes

Played spin-the-bottle? --- Yes

Sang in the shower? --- Of course

Smoked a cigar? --- Yes

Sat on a rooftop? --- Yes

Smuggled something into another country? --- Yes and smuggled stuff out aswell

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? --- Yes

Broken a bone? --- Yes

Skipped school? --- Frequently

Sleepwalked? --- Alas yes ................................

Walked a moonlit beach? --- Yes

Rode a motorcycle? --- Yes

Dumped someone? --- Yes

Forgotten your anniversary? --- No

Lied to avoid a ticket? ---  No

Ridden on a helicopter? --- Yes

Shaved your head? --- No, no need!

Played a prank on someone? --- Yes

Hit a home run? -- No

Felt like killing someone? --- Frequently

Cross-dressed? --- No

Been falling-down drunk? --- Yes

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- Yes

Eaten snake? --- No

Marched/Protested? --- Yes

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? --- No

Puked on amusement ride? --- No.

Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? --- Yes

Been in a band? --- Yes

Knitted? --- Yes

Been on TV? --- Yes

Shot a gun? --- Yes

Skinny-dipped? --- Yes

Gave someone stitches? --- No

Eaten a whole habenero pepper? --- No

Ridden a surfboard? --- No

Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- Yes

Had surgery? --- Yes

Streaked? --- No

Taken by ambulance to hospital? --- Yes

Tripped on mushrooms? --- Yes

Passed out when not drinking? --- No

Peed on a bush? --- Yes

Donated Blood? --- Yes

Grabbed electric fence? --- Yes.

Eaten alligator meat? --- Crocodile yes, Alligator no

Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? --- No

Killed an animal when not hunting? --- Yes unintentionally.

Peed your pants in public? --- Yes.

Written graffiti? --- Yes

Still love someone you shouldn't? --- Yes

Think about the future? --- Yes

Been in handcuffs? --- Yes

Believe in love? --- Yes

Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- Yes

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies...........................................................

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two week. Fawl off by self!'

The Value of a  Drink   > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'I  feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'   > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Beer  is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'  
~> ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff  Clavin, of “Cheers”.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the  Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it  went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' 

 Best Headlines

Even if you've seen these before, they are still hilarious!!!

What DO they teach in journalism courses these days?

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Panda Mating Fails;

Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miners Refuse to Work

after Death

Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Juvenile Court to Try

Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold Wave Linked to

Temperatures

Who would have thought!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Enfield Couple Slain;

Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man Struck By Lightning:

Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Astronaut Takes Blame for

Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chain-saw Massacre all over again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hospitals are Sued by

7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are members of the upper house subject to peer pressure?

I have just joined a gym here in town.

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!!

I feel that I just aint getting as much excercise as I was when I lived in Spain, the bicycle is gathering dust as a bog roll holder and the walk to and from work is no excercise at all.

I have a bit of a gut and need to up my stamina levels to help when I go back to sailing full time next year. But for crying out loud I've joined a gym!

Assessment tomorrow at 4 p.m. Now I have to buy trainers or something. Oh why do I do these stupid things??????

Would someone kindly remind the weather Gods that this is June and that the skys are supposed to be blue not this horrid grey.
I think they also need to be told the water pipes are leaking.

Thankyou

Stolen from antlady69 who stole it from Rippled Water who stole it from Magical Mystery Tour

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss ...
album is missing

2. I am listening to ...
BBC Radio 2

3. I talk ...
of the odd occaision

4. I love ...
Red wine, real ale and sailing.

5. My best friend/s ...
are all to damn far away

6. My first real kiss ...
was with Fiona

7. Love is ...
fast becoming a stranger

8. Marriage is ...
like a horse and carriage. So i seem to recall

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking ...
therefore someone somewhere is

10. I'll always ...
have a nose to follow

11. The last time I really cried was because ...
I'd hurt myself

12. My cell phone ...
at work, whoops

13. When I wake up in the morning ...
I'll be chuffed I got off to sleep

14. Before I go to bed ...
I get undressed

15. Right now I am thinking about ...
why the hell it is gone half 4 and I'm up writing this..............

16. Babies are ...
the result of a moments passion

17. I get on Myspace ...
to find old chums

18. Today I ...
have 2 hours at work then try to book a course for future work

19. Tomorrow I will be ...
probably knackered

20. I really want to be ...
Asleep

Listening to the commentary on 5 live. What a great antidote to the posh voices Phil Tufnell is. Not only is he knowledgeable but so keen and enthusiastic. He sounds just like yer mate down the pub. What a great finish too. Pity we lost on the Duckworth Lewis.

Note to self. DO NOT TIDY UP.

I have just spent 40 minutes looking for my corkscrew having tidied up eaier on. Just found it now so panic over.

I have always wanted one of these and today found one for £1 in Poundland.
Almost got nicked though when in all innocence put it in my back pocket to make sure it would fit and the storedick almost wet her knickers at such a blatant attempt to steal a £1 hipflask! Before she could pounce I was at the till handing over my hard earned.

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem and since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village, they went to see the Veterinarian.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told Paddy and Maggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and, in a boasting voice, said:

"And that, me son, is how ya wave a towel."

The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process 'OF'.
 
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 'F's' on the first go is a genius.  

               
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!

Count every ' F ' in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm.   This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this psas it on  !!   
 

I tried telephoning a colleague a bit earlier on today but got their answering machine thingy. I left a message asking that they call me back with some info. They have just sent me a text. Not good enough. I call and get the answer service again. Leave no message.

When I ask someone to call me I expect a telephone call, I may have supplementary questions to the information supplied and I like to hear the inflections of the respondents voice. I do not want a text. I will not deal with this person again now unless it is absolutely un-avoidable. I feel they have been rude to the point of condesention.

Am I being old fashioned? But what ever happened to common polite, SPOKEN, conversation.

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine..

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true!!!

PI Princess you stand accused.

It was you who reminded me that the last episode of Ashes to Ashes had been shown tonight.

It was you, therefore, that planted the seed to visit the BBC iplayer web site.

I fell for the tempting charms of Ashes to Ashes and started the download, I spotted another programme, British propoganda movies and in light of recent developments felt the need to download that too. Reggie Perrin, o.k., why not.

Here I am at half three exhausted yet exhuberant (and unable to spell) posting to the sleeping masses.

I URGE YOU ALL TO WATCH THE PROGRAMME ABOUT OUR PROPAGANDA FILMS, it was brilliant. It is called Meet the British
I loved the whole damn lot of it.

Here I was going to add a bit about certain political parties and how they could look and learn but this is a post of celebration so shall refrain (sort of )

Tune into the iplayer, no specially trained mathmatical genius kids required....

So the CEO who screwed HBOS into the ground has been offered a job as head of Boots.
How? Why?

Jobs for the boys anyone?

So the great British public, or rather those in Humber and Yorks, have been hoodwinked by the BNP.
Nick Griffin is nothing but a scare monger. People who are indiginous to this country are welcome to join the BNP.
How do you tell?
You can tell by looking.......

When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' 'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

My mates wife came around this afternoon as it is his birthday tomorrow inviting me for drinkies. I asked what she was getting him this year.
A 2009 Fulham FC calender she replied with no hint of irony. Ah well takes all sorts.

20 April 1653:

“It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonoured by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a fractious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money. Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter'd your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth? Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil'd this sacred place, and turn'd the Lord's temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress'd, are yourselves gone!
So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors. In the name of God, go!”

Apparently spoken by Oliver Comwell. Seems nothing has changed in 356 years then. 

Will you.....

EVER MEET SOMEONE FAMOUS?

Probably, will I recognise them, probably not.

EVER BE SUCCESSFUL?

Unlikely, but depends on the definition of successful. 

STUDY OR LEARN SOMETHING NEW IN THE NEXT FIVE YEARS?

Life is a constant learning curve.

WILL YOU GO ON A DIET THIS YEAR?

Not a bloody chance

WILL YOU CHANGE SCHOOLS/JOB IN THE NEXT YEAR?

Absolutely, certain to.

WILL YOU DO VOLUNTEER WORK?

It is a possibility, I sort of do already as job is at minimum wage!

WILL YOU GO ON HOLIDAY THIS SUMMER?

Day trips count?

WILL YOU BUY AN ITEM OF CLOTHING IN THE NEXT WEEK?

Depends on what I see in the shops 

WILL YOU BUY ANY ELECTRONIC GADGETS?

In the next week probably not.

WILL YOU MAKE ANY MAJOR PURCHASES THIS YEAR?

Yes

WILL YOU MOVE TO A NEW TOWN THIS YEAR?

I would like to think so

WILL YOU VISIT A RELATIVE SOON?

I like to see my parents every 2 or 3 months, so yes

WILL YOU GO TO A MALL THIS WEEK?

Yes

WILL YOU GO TO A PUB?

I work in a Working Mans Club, does that count

WILL YOU SHOP FOR FOOD IN THE NEXT FIVE DAYS?

Yes, probably.

WILL YOU WATCH A FAVOURITE TELEVISION PROGRAMME THIS WEEK?

Not live, but maybe on bbc iplayer

WILL YOU WEAR A FAVOURITE ITEM OF CLOTHING TOMORROW?

Yes

WILL YOU EAT AT HOME TOMORROW?

Yes

WILL YOU GO TO A CONCERT THIS WEEK?

I may well do that on Wednesday

WILL YOU GO TO A CINEMA THIS WEEK?

No

WILL YOU GO TO A MUSEUM?

The Steam Museum has been beckoning for some months now, so who knows?

WILL YOU READ A BOOK?

I read  a book almost every week, if I have the time and the inclination.

WILL YOU EVER HAVE SOMETHING YOU'VE WRITTEN PUBLISHED?

Only on BCUK !!!!

WILL YOU EVER HAVE SOME ART WORK YOU'VE DONE, DISPLAYED PUBLICLY?

No, I'm not artistic?

WILL YOU EVER HAVE SOMETHING ELSE YOU'VE CREATED DISPLAYED PUBLICLY?

No

WILL YOU WIN SOMETHING?

Only if I enter

WILL YOU GET MARRIED IN THE NEXT YEAR?

No.

WILL YOU HAVE SEX THIS WEEK?

No.

WILL YOU HAVE A BABY IN THE NEXT YEAR?

Not unless it's a very miraculous conception, or an alien implant. ( Playwrites answer which I could'nt better!)

WILL YOU GET DRUNK THIS WEEK?

No.

WILL YOU TAKE DRUGS?

Not anymore 

WILL YOU VISIT A FRIEND THIS WEEK?

Yes 

WILL YOU PASS THIS MEME ON TO ANYONE ELSE?

It is here, feel free to nick it!

You may have noticed that 19 million of us watched Britains Got Talent last Saturday evening. Why I hear the broadsheets ask? Earnest folk on the radio discuss the merits of such programmes but none that I have read to date have come up with the true reason.
We all watched to see someone breakdown and fail on stage, the Cowell organisation had set it all up through the week long build up, leaked stories to the Red Tops, second chances given in the name of audience manipulation sorry I mean compassion for the child.

This was the equivalent of a public execution. If we in Britain were tomorrow announce that some heinous criminal was to be publicly executed, the event would be a sell out. Managed by Cowell with Max Clifford looking after the condemned persons media profile. The red tops would be falling over each other to sign up the victims friends and families, the broadsheets harrumphing and doing SFA as usual.

LONG LIVE DEATH

Ok whats your favourite coffe?

Mine is Illy.

Instant is Carte Noir.

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'  

Just got back from Morrisons where I went to buy butter and some cooked meat for this evenings dinner.

This is what I arrived home with.

2 500gram tubs of butter, (just over 60p a tub off)
4 Ginsters Cornish Pasties ( Only £2,39. Normally £1 each)
400 grams of Strawberries. (they were there!!)
2 liters milk
1 box weetabix
1 bottle of Shiraz Merlot (why not?)
Clotted Cream (Strawberries need this. It is illegal to eat strawberries without clotted cream!)

Not so good .... and no cold meats 

Ok. Right, now pay attention.

It may have been noted by one or two of the more observant of you that there is a bit of a commotion going on down there in London. OK Wilson, .... up there from your Isle.

Back to the subject in hand, well not that subject of course, no the subject of the commotion in London.

I (yes just me on my own) have decided that now is the prime time for a progressive (I get older every year) member of society to stand for election to Parlee-ament (as some may say).

All of course I need are one or two suggestions as to what may constitute a decent and winning manifesto. Reality of course will bear no resembelance to the words uttered hereforth so please feel free to be as imaginative as you will. It is vote catching cliches and slogans I require no need for a reality check. I can cover that under expenses once I an elected and ruling the country.

I thank you for your time, and please no babies or young children.

Middleagedbloke, Prospective Parliamentary Candidate.

Back fom a stroll around town.

Lovely sunshine, very little breeze, and lots of people turning very red. Northerners seem very suseptical to sun burn. I thought it was only when they went abroad. Obviously loads use sunbeds or tanning salons as there are a few with nice tans around.

Found a couple of good bargains in TK Maxx. Birkenstocks for a tenner and decent shades for 12 quid. Got a few hours with the agency for next week aswell.

Got a call from a place in Alnwick telling me I can do my RYA/MCA First Aid course with them on the 12th of June. And it is 25 sobs less than the south coast.

Just have to endure the arseholes at the WMC tonight.

Oh yeah and my mate is downloading the 3 Radical Dance Faction elpees for me, Wasteland, Borderline Cases and Raggamuffin Statement. The last one is quite special to me as I was heavily involved in the recording of that album at my old studio in Dublin.

Here comes the weekend

Time for a snack

In reply to a comment made on my last post.

No I do not get the Mail, or the Express.  Nor will I ever subscribe to any murdoch publication. I have a long memory.

Funny but I filled in a Survey yesterday about TV and when asked if I would consider a Sky TV package the interviewer was surprised when I told her that I would never contribute to that bastard aussies coffers in a million years.

From a recent Daily Mail

Full acknowledgements to MAC

Ok Folks.

I have decided to watch a few films this weekend but not having watched anything since Bend It like Beckham years back with my daughter at a cinema when it came out have not got a clue what to rent.
Oops have watched the latest James Bond coz I like them. I donºt do horror films either.

Suggestions please ........

The TV Detector van operating in North East England today is a VW Camper Van Registration Number

BC03 CRZ

Pass this on to anyone you feel might need to know this.

As some of you maybe aware, I bought a Halogen Oven in March from Coopers of Stortford. Yesterday I went to use it for dinner and aaaarrrrrggggghhh it would'nt turn on. I phone Coopers this morning, and with nary a whimper or question took my Post Code and Name and said a new lid would be winging its way to me today!

Brilliant customer service? A regular fault with the appliance? I'll let you decide.

Of course the coniving, thieving, scrounging MPs will not get jailed.

The Prisons are too full of people who have defrauded the dole, taxman and the Government.

OK Some one let me have Camerons e-mail address.

 I fancy a salary of £67,000 per. I will stand as a Tory, fuck it most of the present lot  have no idea what the party they represent stand for anyway. As it happens I feel my community work as a barman gives me a unique insight into the thoughts of Joe Brit. The man on the Clapham Omnibus has been eclipsed Mr C.  Nigel the barman now has the ear of the few remaining working men in the UK. Vote for me!

Whilst Eton is indeed an anagram of note it does not mean all your school chums are "of note". Most of them are, in my humble opinion, which reflects that of my potential constituents, a bunch of rich c%^ts with no idea of how the ordinary bloke lives.

VOTE FOR ME!!!

I've still got a job!!

Strolled into the WMC to meet with the owner half an hour before my shift was due to begin and was, to put it bluntly, shocked shitless.

Expecting, and frankly deserving, the worst the owner actually congratulated me on my patience and the fact that I chose to walk away from the provocation (as he saw it).

He has been waiting for an opportunity to put some members of the club in their place and I, unwittingly, provided it.

No pay rise but the knowledge that the guv'nor backs his staff over the punters is actually quite a good result.

So even the Chancellor needs help filling out his tax form! But at least he does'nt have to pay for it, we do.

As a piece of performance art it was one of my better shows. In terms of keeping a job probably not such a good piece of timing.

Yes folks I walked out of my job after 2 hours this afternoon, but not just walked out, it was a piece of pure art. Glasses bouncing off the carpets, customers brushed aside with a theatrical thrust of the arm and leather jacket and the look of absolute stunned disbelief on the sad git customers faces. The silence was awesome. I felt good. Bastards will no longer treat me like a lump of shite.

Got phone call from the owner and he wants to know if I want to work tomorrow!! Meeting at half eleven with him.

Was at mates house last night and they had recorded a Graham Norton Show which we then all watched.

Is the geezer ill? I think by looking at him he may well have HIV/Aids. In Africa they call it slim. His head has become to large for his body which seems to be wasting away, the cut of his suits cannot hide a dramatic weight loss.

Any comments?

Does this happen to other people too?

Went to the cupboard and had decided that I would open a tin of something whilst waiting for this to start up. No preferences just open and eat the first tin that came to hand (heating if necessary!) Grab a tin, open without looking and deliver contents to bowl. Bollix just don't fancy custard! Put in fridge and start again Rice pudding was what I wanted and rice pudding is what I had. So there. Spare bowl of custard now sitting in fridge waiting for apple pie to to be purchased in the morning.
That'll be brekkie sorted then.

Why the fuck does the laptop do this to me every night when I get home from work? Go slow I mean. Shit; start the thing up go off make a coffee and a sandwich use the loo come back and it is still going through its processes.
Look I know its a bit anal but I timed it tonight, from pressing the on off button to the time I could access this site..... 5 minutes and 34,7 seconds. That can't be right. Then to cap it all it seems not to want to function all that quickly. By the way I have over 75% of space available on my wotsit so it ain't over full.
I am so pissed off at this thing right now.

I am by now seriously pissed off with this weather! I do not know how you stand it! We are one month from the summer solstice and look out side. Seriously heavy HAILSTONES bouncing half a meter back to whence they came, Forks of Lightning, our only source of brightness in a grey and leaden sky.
Nothing to suggest a glimmer of hope, not a sign of the sun, a hint of blue sky. I shall remember this year as the one without shadows.

Or rather emerging musicians.
Where are they to go nowadays. The old pub circuit of my youth has all but disappeared, where do the new bands and artistes practice their art and skill. Obviously there is somewhere, I've just witnessed Lisa Hannigan and Little Boots on Later with Jools Holland. In years gone by Lisa would have played at my club in Dublin, or one of the other 2 in town at the time, and Little Boots at any number in the UK.

I am just so happy that Jools puts these artists on his show and proves to aspiring musicians there is life away from Simon Cowells package crap.

Thankyou Jools and the musos who keep on giving it a go....

Its wierd, I just have'nt been thinking or feeling right for several days now. It takes all my energy to get out of bed in the morning, and sometimes I only just make that! I have not been suffering with the insomnia for a while so that can be discounted. I sat on the sofa earlier and just woke myself up snoring!! All I have done today is walk to town to sort out my poll tax, gone to the launderette to collect the washing I deposited there on Saturday morning and could'nt be arsed to collect that afternoon, before or after work yesterday and only got this afternoon as I have almost run out of clean socks. It would have been simpler to go into Primark to buy more but I stopped myself. One small victory then.
I am restless yet bone idle. All since I stopped smoking over a week ago. I keep on reaching for fags which I don't want but the habit of having them at hand is the hardest of all to break. 30 a day to bugger all ain't easy. Is this the cause of my malaise?

I removed this post as it was ill written and not well thought out.

Sorry folks

Nigel

At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.

This will never happen again.

At least, not for another 1000 years.

Well I had so much planned for today but the rain makes me reluctant to leave the grotty but dry flat. Need to go to the library as they are shut next week for the installation of a new fire alarm system.
Why are they shut? It seems that the installation engineers have to pass above the glass roofed public areas and there is a slight possibility that something may fall from above and hit someone. I will be interested to discover how much debris,how many tools and bodies do fall through the glass over the course of the week.